Riding the Ups and Downs of Progress

Ever notice that whenever you’ve got a lot going on in your life, the next moments, which are just kind of fine, seem disappointing?  I’m sure it has to do with all the adrenaline moving through your system, all the hormones coursing through our bodies for one reason or another. 

I suppose that if you’re not careful, you could get addicted to that. After all, there’s no drug that’s better than what our bodies can do. We have all the serotonin we need, unless we’ve been born with some sort of deficiency. We produce hormone spikes, and insulin surges, and even endorphin rushes so powerful people get addicted to whatever’s producing them. We believe heroin’s better than sleep, or meth is better than running. 

Shyah. As if the body doesn’t always know better. 

Though I’ve noticed some of this behavior in myself, the wanting things to always exist at a breakneck pace, I’m also smart enough to know that lack of sleep just makes you stupid, and doing lots of drugs and alcohol just doesn’t make me happy. 

So I’m gonna become a master surfer of the ups and downs of progress. And on days when things aren’t huge and hyper and fabulous, I’m going to take a mental break from all that, read a good book, and let my mind rest. It’ll probably thank me later. 

Fuggedaboudit

All right. Another day has passed, and I’ve managed to get myself back on the horse after a deep disappointment. Sometimes, these things hit me harder than others. And though I’d prefer to deal with my emotions in a clear and delineated way, ultimately they’re emotions, and don’t tend to work that way.

So I took a page from my own book. After trying to reframe the stuff I was going through a few times, I let that go. I told reframing to go reframe itself, basically. Once that was done. I made space to be with my hurt, confused and decidedly down feelings. Softening as much as I could, I realized that food was out of the question. My stomach was killing me. But I could sleep and I could drink water and I could go, “The rest of you out there? Fuggedaboudit.”

Once that was done, there was more spaciousness around the sadness, more room to work with. Though I wasn’t trying to achieve anything, I just hung out with my sadness, feeling around into its corners and texture. After several hours of that I slept, and when I woke up again, I was able to eat something.

Today, I’m feeling lighter and more able to confront the fallout. I may not be perfect, but what the fuck is perfect anyway? I’m gonna be goombah-like with my feelings from now on, giving them room when they need it and a sharp kick in the butt when they don’t. Not only do those guys know how to make a kick-ass marinara, they get shit done.

The Missing Moments

Mundane, which derives from the same root as the Spanish world “mundo,” means “characteristic of the world.” Though it’s come to mean something practical, boring, ordinary or commonplace, it’s actually something everyone shares. That’s, of course, partially why I decided to write this blog every day for a year of my life, and why I thought it might be interesting to look under the surface of what most of us do that’s the same. These are the things that connect us, no matter where we’re from, or what beliefs we espouse. 

Today it was a dental appointment, which is usually about as much fun as surgery without anesthesia. I tend to read or fuck around on my phone until the last possible minute, when they’re practically removing it from my hands so they can do their work. It’s that boring to me. Today’s appointment, though, was something I had actually been looking forward to for a long time, to fix some stuff that went wrong in childhood. 

Had trouble parking until I prayed to the parking goddess and one opened up. Then, when I got upstairs, I was told that they had painted the office over the weekend and the woman who was supposed to do my work, who’s pregnant, had left feeling nauseous from the fumes. Crap. 

This week is exciting and slightly daunting for me business-wise. I have a lot on my plate over the next few weeks, and fitting in another dental appointment isn’t going to be easy. Part of me felt the same thing my 10-year old self must have felt — a little crushed and disappointed. Of course, I knew it wasn’t personal. Things like this happen. But I wrestled with my feelings as I got back in my car and headed to the office. 

Staring out my window, I realized that life is filled with moments like these, the missing moments, or times of letdown. When we don’t get what we set out to attain, and feel that groundless feeling beneath us. I took stock of mine for a few minutes, then thought of the pregnant dental technician, at home with her nausea. I thought about her missing moments, and those of her baby, stretching on and on and on.

These were the moments I didn’t see every day, because I’m usually focused on getting my own stuff done. These were moments from the lives of others — equally important, equally valid — and I felt my throat close up with … something. I don’t know, connection? Realization? Love and respect for the fragile freakin’ nature of humanity? 

It wasn’t an intentional reframing of the experience. It just kind of kicked in on its own, and I thanked whatever higher power keeps watch over me these days, content to know that I do have eyes, and ears and senses that allow me to connect to other people and their funny, touching little worlds.